When I was four years old, my thirteen-year-old brother raped me. My older sister and her friends treated me as their “doll,” dressing me in girl’s clothing. My father, a pastor, sexually molested me.
This upbringing led me to a life of sexual deviancy in which I was sometimes the victim and sometimes the perpetrator, to the point that I described myself as a “sex machine.” Through the intervention of God, I have been delivered from this cycle and cleansed, freed to live the victorious Christian life.
Sexual sin is rampant in the church. Stories of moral failures by men and women in church leadership roles have become commonplace. In the pew, too, sexual immorality and incest are more widespread than anyone knows—except those involved.
So long as these sins are allowed to remain in the shadows, they have power. They must be exposed, and the people affected by them must have help finding the recovery they so desperately need.
Don’t Say a Word about This! is designed to lead the church to find the truth and healing in Christ, which will set them free from the blight of sexual sin committed by Christians.
It is my conviction that every person has a right to live life from babyhood to adult life without any form of abuse. I believe that every person who did not have the opportunity to live from babyhood to adult life without abuse is entitled to healing, deliverance, and a second chance to live life.
The content of Don’t Say a Word about This! is drawn from my life, the Bible, a wide range of secular books dealing with human behavior, and films that address human pain and suffering.
My father was a pastor and part-time handyman at women’s’ clothing stores. Most of the time my brother and sister and I were left on our own since my brother was nine years older than I and my sister was eighteen years my senior. A lack of supervision, combined with my father’s sexual perversions and my mother’s continuing love for a man she married who had turned into a secret monster contributed to my exposure to sexual matters at such a young age.
For the first few years of my life my sister, eighteen years my elder, dressed me in little girl’s clothes and made me her personal doll. When I was four, my thirteen-year-old brother raped me. Dad often took me to work with him at the women’s clothing stores and while he worked, I would masturbate with the mannequins.
What does a young boy do when in the first ten years of his life he experiences rape and incest, is treated as a girl, and learns to masturbate in lingerie with an older neighborhood boy? He goes to a dark place in his soul.
At age eleven I became not the victim but the perpetrator. I molested one boy from my neighborhood and two boys who were members of my father’s church—usually in the church building or at church functions.
As I grew into my teens I was involved in many other sexual encounters with church musicians (male and female), and I had other sexual escapades at church meetings.
When I was eighteen I got married, thinking my sexual behavior would change. The marriage lasted twenty-four years but not because of my fidelity. I was faithful to my wife for only five years before the cycle began again.
In college, though I was married, my time was filled with the constant search for excitement and sexual release through:
- Marijuana, cocaine, crack, crank, speed, and other drugs I cannot remember
- Homosexual and bisexual acts
- Threesomes
- Voyeurism
- Exhibitionism
- Phone Sex
- Transvestism
- Pornography
- Lingerie Fetish
- Oral Sex
By the time I was 30 I had had sex with more than one hundred women. I was a sex machine.
After college, I appeared to have a model life. I worked as an analyst for Fortune five hundred companies, I had a wife and son, and I was developing my own private tax practice. However, my personal life centered around one promiscuous affair after another.
I wasn’t living the Christian life by any stretch of the imagination at this point, but still something (Holy Spirit) prevented me from molesting my son, though my father had molested me and this is how the cycle is continued. God was intervening in my life, and in my son’s life, though I certainly wasn’t walking with Him then.
But His interventions were just beginning. He allowed me to be involved in a major auto accident in which four other cars ran into mine. I survived the accident, but was left with a recurring nightmare that eventually drove me to seek therapy.
I started therapy to stop the nightmares but before long I had spilled my guts about my sexual escapades. With the help of the psychiatrist and the Holy Spirit I was able to begin the healing and deliverance from my childhood sexual abuse.
It turned out I had repressed much of the detail of what happened to me as a child. Over a time, together with prayer and fasting, I began to hear from the Holy Spirit about how to proceed and get my healing.
I have been writing the manuscript for Don’t Say a Word about This! for over ten years. During that time many obstacles attempted to sidetrack me. One of those was how my brother, who physically raped me when I was 4, attempted to financially rape me 50 years later.
My father died a few years ago. After he passed, my brother sued several of the businesses that had cared for my father, alleging neglectful service. In order to retain the bulk of the award money, he and my half-sister told these businesses that I had died. By the grace of God I have been able to forgive my brother for both rapes.
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